Tips and Tricks

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I swear, my Stumble Upon mailbox never fails to make me smile. For some reason most of you readers seem to feel more comfortable sending your questions to that email address rather than using the nifty form I created here. (You know, I took a lot of time creating that easy-to-use form!) But that’s OK, I forgive you. As long as you send me your sex questions I’m happy, regardless of where you send them to.

Today’s question was submitted by a 52 year old married man who self-identifies as “Old.” I wouldn’t say 52 is old, but that’s not the point right now. Here is his exact question:

“I am married, so my sex skills are really rusty. Do you have any recommendations for us married old guys?” ~Married Old Guy, Kansas, USA~

Hm, the fact that his sex skills are rusty because he’s been married a long time immediately raises a red flag. From my perspective, this statement should not be true. If you’re married and have been enjoying sex with your spouse for a long time then your sex skills “should” be fairly refined by now – perhaps to the point of sexual connoisseur. You should know everything about your spouse as a sexual being. What turns them on, what their favorite place to be touched is, how many orgasms they can possibly have in a row. That sort of intimate understanding is at the heart of a loving long term relationship.

So “rusty sex skills” immediately makes me wonder why he hasn’t been sexually connected to his wife lately (or for a long time). Admittedly, “sex” changes a lot during middle age for both men and women due to normal physiological changes. Shifts and drops in hormone levels wreak all sorts of havoc – she has trouble getting wet, sexual arousal is harder to achieve, erections aren’t as strong and don’t last very long, and both partners have the potential to lose much of their “normal” libidos.

Many couples frequently become overly concerned with these changes, and the growing media push toward “fixing” these “problems” with drugs or herbal concoctions certainly doesn’t help. I don’t consider these natural sexual shifts to be “problems” at all, and think positioning them as such does much more emotional harm that good. What couples should be doing during this time is reevaluating what “sex” means to them, how important it is to their relationship, and exploring alternative forms of intimacy.

Now that you know exactly where I’m coming from, here are my recommendations for all you “Married Old Guys” out there!

Expand Your Idea of “Sex”

Sex is not the same thing as penetration. Sex is not the same thing as penetration. Say it to yourself over and over again. Make it your brand new mantra. Stop believing that you have to use your penis as a whole-filler in order to have “real” sex. Just because you’re not able to get those immediate, rock-hard erections that last for hours on end like you used to (OK, maybe not hours!) doesn’t mean you have a sexual disorder that needs treatment.

I know, there are many people and institutions that would like to convince you otherwise, but from a sexological perspective, you are perfectly healthy. Relational problems often occur because many men experience a significant drop in self-esteem and self-worth when they can no longer penetrate a vagina on cue, but this negative shift in self-image doesn’t have to happen and it doesn’t require drugs to fix it (unless in the rare case of extreme depression, etc).

Instead, try to expand your ideas of sex and intimacy to include everything that brings you closer to your lover. This includes kisses, hugs, cuddles, oral sex, fantasy-sharing, writing/reading erotic stories to each other, and anything else that serves to strengthen your unique romantic bond. Get rid of any cultural stereotypes of what makes “a man a man” and focus on what really brings pleasure to you and your lover.

If you are both roughly the same age, then you’re probably going through many of the same sexual insecurities. Talk about them, share them, and then start to do things that reinforce your commitment to each other. Yes, part of this does mean experimenting with new forms of sexual expression. Rather than a time of “Well, there goes our great sex life…” these physiological changes can prompt an era of brand new sexual opportunities if approached from a respectful and affectionate perspective.

How to Improve Your Sex Life Without Pills and Potions

Delve into Your Sensuality – One of the nice things about not focusing so much on penetration is it forces you to slow down and to take your time with more sensual delights, indulgent treats you may have missed in your rush to “get in.”

For example, do you really know how to give an erotic massage, one that makes your lover feel so relaxed and turned on that they’d be happy to do anything you asked in that moment? Or have you ever felt the incredible thrill of hearing your lover whisper an erotic story to you while blindfolded? What about a bath for two, filled with rose petals, surrounded by candles, and an assortment of waterproof vibrating toys tucked discreetly in the corner?

With a little creativity and a lot of attention to detail this phase of life can really be one to sexually look forward to. (Luckily many couples are “empty-nesters” by this point and have the luxury of alone time again!)

Become an Oral/Manual Sex Expert

So what if your ding-dong doesn’t work and she’s as dry as a desert, you still have wonderfully tricky tongues and capable hands! Also, don’t be fooled into thinking that just because you can’t get an erection means you can’t have an orgasm. These are physiologically two different things and can be separated into unique experiences. There are a lot of books and such out there teaching this kind of no-erection-orgasm (though many time it doesn’t have to be taught) that you can look into if you’re interested.

But is no-erection and no-penetration sex even worth it? The answer seems to be a resounding ‘yes’ from those who’ve been there. Take Bob for example,

“Bob (in his 70s) asserts that there is no change in sexual enjoyment, and his lack of erections doesn’t stop him from having an intensely active, loving sex life with Leona…Leona and Bob have sex twice a week, and Leona says she is “completely satisfied” with the “hands and mouth” sex they regularly have. It’s just that intercourse isn’t part of it…

“I was surprised I could have orgasms without erections. I thought they went hand in hand…If I can’t have intercourse that doesn’t mean I can’t have sexual union. Sex doesn’t have much to do with the penis. It’s between the ears, at the end of the tongue, in the finger, in the cuddling. Inserting my penis in a vagina is not the epitome of life…”

~Exert Taken From “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty,” Page 227~

Well said Bob! Clearly he still has quite a lot of fun with his lover, and hasn’t allowed his changing penile abilities get in the way of a varied and interesting sex life. Never underestimate the pleasures that can come from a practiced tongue and a hand (or two) with great techniques.

Here are a couple great oral sex guides to get you started:

• The Lowdown on Going Down – Guide for Men
• The Master’s Guide to Cunnilingus – Guide for Men
• Blow Him Away – Guide for Women
• The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio – Guide for Women

But If You Still Must Penetrate, Use a Strap-On Toy

Adult toy companies think of everything, and they have come up with a solution for men who want to simulate penetrative sex without needing an erection. These toys are in the category of regular strap-ons except they come with a hollow dildo that men can insert their penises into and have penetrative sex with or without an erection. I know, interesting little gadgets! (Don’t be intimidated by them, remember I said you have to start experimenting?)

With a strap-on you can have sex for as long as you and your lover want. They are very affordable and receive great user reviews. Certainly a good option to keep in mind.

All in all, “Married Old Guys” have lots of ways to keep their sex lives hot. Maybe even hotter than when they were in their so-called sexual primes – As long as they’re willing to put in the effort and remain open-minded!

Helpful Sex-in-Midlife Resources:

• Better Than Ever: Love and Sex at Midlife
• Renew Your Marriage at Midlife: A Guide to Growing Together in Love
• Seduction Secrets for Men in Loving Relationships
• All-In-One Sensual Love Kits to Help You Explore Each Other in New Ways
• Discover Your Lover – A Board Game for Adventurous Adults

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• She’s Wet, But is She Turned-On?

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One of the most easily remedied sexual problems men have is orgasming sooner than they, or their partners, would like – otherwise known as premature ejaculation. Unfortunately many men still believe this pesky mood killer can’t be avoided, so they let the problem persist and create negative relational and emotional consequences that are completely unnecessary.

Some of the more common causes for premature ejaculation include sudden and intense sexual arousal, not having sex for long periods of time, or being blessed with an incredibly sensitive penis (usually the head).

One S.S. reader was particularly concerned with his ultra-sensitivity, and asked:

What is the best thing to use to help premature ejaculation and an oversensitive head of the penis. I see myself having a problem with this. The head of my penis is really sensitive during sex and/or foreplay which makes me ejaculate easily and lose my hard on…I am not embarrassed by this…just a little frustrated. I would appreciate any advice you could give me.

~ Mr. Concerned, Oregon USA ~

Although the reasons vary from psychological to physical, all of them can be overcome with a few physical tricks – no need for you to keep thinking about un-sexy things during sex!

4 Ways to Easily Stop Yourself from Cumming Too Soon

• Masturbate More – I know it may sounds like an odd suggestion at first, but if you become aroused easily and don’t have any difficulty getting an erection, then this may be the only solution you need. By making yourself orgasm hours before you plan on having sex with your partner, you’ll decrease your physical excitement, decrease the sensitivity to your penis for a short while, and will probably be able to keep your next erection for longer than you did the first time (when you masturbated). Some men masturbate in the morning if they are likely to have sex that night. Think of it as “taking the edge off.”

• Practice Bringing Yourself Almost to Orgasm and Then Stopping, Repeatedly – This is like training your body to endure an intercourse marathon. Masturbate until you feel almost to that “point of no return” and then stop all stimulation completely and wait for your body to calm down again. If you don’t think this is possible, another technique is to hold the base of the penis firmly and squeeze with one hand while gently pulling your testicles downward (away from your body) with the other once you begin to feel that “Holy crap I’m going to cum!” sensation. After you’ve successfully backed away from your orgasm, continue with more stimulation until almost reaching orgasm again, and repeat the above process. Practiced regularly this should make you more aware of your own arousal and allow you more control over it during actual lovemaking.

• Use a Desensitizing Gel or Lube – In all honesty, most of the magic cream and gels out there are no more than regular lotion repackaged and sold for a lot more than they’re worth. However, there are a few that really do what they claim to do – desensitize your penis just enough to have satisfyingly long sex. The key to picking out the ones that work is to read the packaging and look for something called “benzocaine.” This is the active ingredient that will numb the surface nerves of your penis for about 10 and 30 minutes. Benzocaine is the exact same thing that makes other topical pain killers work, like Orajel for your gums. The only difference is the dosage.** Warning: Don’t use Orajel or any other product that has benzocaine in it on your penis instead of a product made for your penis just to be cheap! You don’t want to do anything that’ll permanently damage those glorious little penis nerves, do you?!** One product that actually does work is called Not Yet Gel. It contains 7.5% benzocaine and is perfectly safe to use. I’ve heard a lot of good things about Not Yet Gel, so this is probably your best bet.

• Use a Cock Ring – (I can hear the gasps now!) Seriously, try using a cock ring around the base of your penis once you are erect. Just like I told you to hold and press the base of your penis in the earlier masturbation exercise, cock rings do the work for you. Once you find one that fits correctly, not too snugly your penis turns purple but snug enough to keep the blood pretty constricted, these gizmos work quite well at prolonging sex. Sure, they may look a little strange at first, but once you’re heavily “involved” no one’s going to remember it’s even there…Unless you have one of those rings that comes with a nifty clit-vibe which brings together the best of both world in my opinion – The rings stops him from cumming too soon and the vibe encourages her to cum as many times as possible. Nice, huh?

If you try all of the above suggestions and none of them work, then ask your doctor about it. However they may say you don’t really have a premature ejaculation problem since the “normal” range of time between penetration and ejaculation begins at 1.5 minutes!

Good Luck and leave a comment if you have a tip that wasn’t mentioned here, or if any of these have worked for you in the past!

You May Be Interested In:

• Not Yet! Gel – Desensitizing Penis Creams That Actually Works
  
• 5 Star Cock Ring and Vibrating Egg
• Custom Grip Erection Ring with Clit Vibe
• Fully Adjustable Erection Keeper
• Better Sex Audio & eBook Guides

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Subjective Arousal is Different for Men and Women

For men, the process of arousal is pretty straight forward – 99% of the time an erect penis means he feels sexually excited. Sure there are exceptions here and there, but for the most part this correlation holds true.

Women, on the other hand, are a completely different story! Although her body may be displaying signs of sexual arousal (erect nipples, dilated pupils, a wet vagina, etc.) it does not mean she is subjectively “feeling” turned-on. In fact, research

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Click below to listen to this podcast episode now!
[audio:http://speaksexy.org/audio/podcast%20welcome%20message2.mp3,http://speaksexy.org/audio/shaving%20your%20vagina%20podcast2.mp3,http://speaksexy.org/audio/podcast%20post%20script2.mp3]
But First, a Little Story…

I remember the first time a man ever asked me to shave my vagina. I was in ninth grade, he was in tenth. We were innocently watching a movie together in his room when one thing led to another and before I knew it his sneaky fingers were down my pants. We had an exhilarating fingering session, the threat of being caught “red-handed” by a supervisory adult adding to the heat of the moment.

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And by Cool Kids I mean porn stars, strippers, celebrities, and your kinky next door neighbor. Until a few days ago I’d never heard of anal bleaching. Apparently I’ve been completely missing this, um, “interesting” personal care trend. It’s even been mentioned in big time women’s magazines like Marie Claire. Since anal shaving and waxing are regular beauty Musts in today’s glamorous world, I guess this is the logical next step.

This article contains things that may make you feel uncomfortable – including poop. If you will be grossed out or offended, stop reading now. It is intended for mature, open-minded adults only. Thanks.

Anal sex can be tricky to get right, especially the first time. And since it’s something many people have questions about, I’ve decided to write this brief overview of a couple easy-to-do anal techniques. If you or your partner are hesitant about trying anal sex then