Tips and Tricks

So it’s almost Halloween and you’re wondering just what tastefully sinful thing will you be doing to celibate. Just you stop worrying your pretty head about it because we’re here for you.

Wow – did I just date myself with that song? Anyhoo…

News Flash!

• 11% of Americans don’t know you CAN get pregnant while having sex standing up
• 26% never discuss contraception with their partners
• 31% never discuss sexual health such as STIs with their partners

These figures were recently released based on a poll of 2,000 Americans between the ages of 16 and 50 according to this article.

No mention of who conducted the poll nor their methods was revealed, making the poll itself very very very suspect in my mind. (For all I know the author of the article pulled the numbers right out of his you-know-what.) But the validity of the survey isn’t really the interesting part…It’s the idea behind the questions that I’d like to focus on here.

No Sexy Talk with Your Sex Machine?

You’d think that if there was one person in this entire world who you could talk with about sex in an open and nonjudgmental way it would be your own lover. After all, you’re HAVING sex WITH them. At the very least, you’d probably want to talk about life-altering consequences such as…oh…Children and Incurable Diseases!

Breaking it down, I suppose you could avoid the STI conversation after you’ve been sleeping with just each other for a while, assuming no one is cheating, swinging, etc.

But what about in the beginning? Are you really going to have sex with someone without asking if they’ve been tested recently? (And if not, what makes them believe they are disease-free?)  It seems like an awfully big risk for 20 minutes of hot, heavy sticky fun.

But let’s assume you’re willing to take that chance JUST to avoid an emotionally embarrassing conversation…

Not even Contraception talk?! A basic – “Do you use condoms?” “Are you on the pill?” Really? What happens when you’ve both taken your clothes off and are ready to “connect”? Does he just assume she’s on birth control while she just prays she doesn’t get pregnant this time? Eeek!

How can either of you have ANY fun if all you’re doing is worrying about these things in the moment rather than taking care of the issues beforehand?

Even if you don’t care about your own personal safety or possible accidental procreation – at least care about the quality of your sex!

Talking about these “big, uncomfortable” issues lets you relax once the bump-and-grinding begins.  And isn’t that the point of all this in the first place?

So, although I hope those poll results are a little screwy on the actual numbers, I know there are people out there who fall into these no-talky categories and I feel the need to say…

For the Sake of Good, Naughty, Wild and Carefree Sex – Talk to your partner about the “icky” stuff first. Your mind-blowing orgasms will thank you in the end. 

**Speaking of Orgasms** – I think my friend hooked up with that web developer guy the other night. Bad Girl that she is. I know they left together after our dinner, but I haven’t had a chance to catch up with her since. Hope she had all these “talks” we’ve been discussing! Maybe she’s trying to get in on that new Sex Site he’s making. hah.**

Now here’s something you won’t hear about on this side of the Atlantic…A government sponsored program aimed at teaching teens “self-pleasure” techniques!

I think Spain should get the award for Progressive Health Care Nation indeed.

Of course, the religious parties are going bonkers over this – saying such a “touchy” *ahem* topic should be left for parents to discuss with their budding sexuality.

The target demographic is between 14-17 years of age, using pamphlets, etc. and also deals with issues of contraception and self-respect. Although the article doesn’t specify the “why” for this new outreach program, I’m assuming it’s to counter non-solo-teen-sex and lower teen pregnancy/STI rates.

Sounds good to me…At least from a logical adult perspective.

However, thinking back, I’m not sure I would’ve appreciated a cute-little government-made pamphlet trying to convince me that masturbation was better than “the real thing”. (Who are they kidding?!)

I can see these teens getting a good laugh out of it (maybe an actual pointer or two – “OK Ladies, now right HERE is where you’ll find your clit! You know,  just in case you’ve never noticed that super-sensitive spot on your body in the past 15 or so years!”).

Even worse, I can see teens taking pamphlets concerning the Other Gender (assuming they’re heterosexual) to get free sex tips on how to better pleasure their partners. It makes sense. If I wanted to know how to better pleasure my “boyfriend” and this pamphlet is made to teach HIM how to do it to HIMSELF, then wouldn’t it make sense for me to read THAT one instead? Yup. Yup.

So while I like the message and the forward thinking of this campaign, there might be some real-world design flaws that actually teach teens how to have better sex with Each Other rather than themselves – obviously undermining the actual campaign altogether.

Can’t “Win for Losing” I guess…*sighs*

***Other News Update*** I’m not sure what’s going on with this website-builder-guy I mentioned. I brought in one of my friends to see his new site and I think he was hitting on her…It was one of those situations where it could have been him just being “nice” – but afterward she asked if I’d noticed and we couldn’t decide either way – lol. Maybe I’ll bring her around more often just to see what happens between them Haha. So Bad.***

(This post is orgasmically sponsored by: MPL Studio Girls – Fine Photography. Exquisite Women.)
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Written by Featured Author Lee Jenkins

(This post is timely sponsored by: EdenFantasys – Passion Made Easy.)
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You know your life has become somewhat corrupted by society’s relentless need to “time-manage” things when it’s 10:05 on a Saturday night and your partner yells:

“Honey, we should’ve been having sex five minutes ago! If we don’t do it soon we’ll have to wait until next week!”

Yet even as bizarre as that yell may seem, many people will read those lines and laugh – not because it’s ridiculous, but because it’s True.

This post is shaggingly sponsored by: SSP Seduction Guides – Learn How to Seduce Your Wife All Over Again!
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I swear, my Stumble Upon mailbox never fails to make me smile. For some reason most of you readers seem to feel more comfortable sending your questions to that email address rather than using the nifty form I created here. (You know, I took a lot of time creating that easy-to-use form!) But that’s OK, I forgive you. As long as you send me your sex questions I’m happy, regardless of where you send them to.

Today’s question was submitted by a 52 year old married man who self-identifies as “Old.” I wouldn’t say 52 is old, but that’s not the point right now. Here is his exact question:

“I am married, so my sex skills are really rusty. Do you have any recommendations for us married old guys?” ~Married Old Guy, Kansas, USA~

Hm, the fact that his sex skills are rusty because he’s been married a long time immediately raises a red flag. From my perspective, this statement should not be true. If you’re married and have been enjoying sex with your spouse for a long time then your sex skills “should” be fairly refined by now – perhaps to the point of sexual connoisseur. You should know everything about your spouse as a sexual being. What turns them on, what their favorite place to be touched is, how many orgasms they can possibly have in a row. That sort of intimate understanding is at the heart of a loving long term relationship.

So “rusty sex skills” immediately makes me wonder why he hasn’t been sexually connected to his wife lately (or for a long time). Admittedly, “sex” changes a lot during middle age for both men and women due to normal physiological changes. Shifts and drops in hormone levels wreak all sorts of havoc – she has trouble getting wet, sexual arousal is harder to achieve, erections aren’t as strong and don’t last very long, and both partners have the potential to lose much of their “normal” libidos.

Many couples frequently become overly concerned with these changes, and the growing media push toward “fixing” these “problems” with drugs or herbal concoctions certainly doesn’t help. I don’t consider these natural sexual shifts to be “problems” at all, and think positioning them as such does much more emotional harm that good. What couples should be doing during this time is reevaluating what “sex” means to them, how important it is to their relationship, and exploring alternative forms of intimacy.

Now that you know exactly where I’m coming from, here are my recommendations for all you “Married Old Guys” out there!

Expand Your Idea of “Sex”

Sex is not the same thing as penetration. Sex is not the same thing as penetration. Say it to yourself over and over again. Make it your brand new mantra. Stop believing that you have to use your penis as a whole-filler in order to have “real” sex. Just because you’re not able to get those immediate, rock-hard erections that last for hours on end like you used to (OK, maybe not hours!) doesn’t mean you have a sexual disorder that needs treatment.

I know, there are many people and institutions that would like to convince you otherwise, but from a sexological perspective, you are perfectly healthy. Relational problems often occur because many men experience a significant drop in self-esteem and self-worth when they can no longer penetrate a vagina on cue, but this negative shift in self-image doesn’t have to happen and it doesn’t require drugs to fix it (unless in the rare case of extreme depression, etc).

Instead, try to expand your ideas of sex and intimacy to include everything that brings you closer to your lover. This includes kisses, hugs, cuddles, oral sex, fantasy-sharing, writing/reading erotic stories to each other, and anything else that serves to strengthen your unique romantic bond. Get rid of any cultural stereotypes of what makes “a man a man” and focus on what really brings pleasure to you and your lover.

If you are both roughly the same age, then you’re probably going through many of the same sexual insecurities. Talk about them, share them, and then start to do things that reinforce your commitment to each other. Yes, part of this does mean experimenting with new forms of sexual expression. Rather than a time of “Well, there goes our great sex life…” these physiological changes can prompt an era of brand new sexual opportunities if approached from a respectful and affectionate perspective.

How to Improve Your Sex Life Without Pills and Potions

Delve into Your Sensuality – One of the nice things about not focusing so much on penetration is it forces you to slow down and to take your time with more sensual delights, indulgent treats you may have missed in your rush to “get in.”

For example, do you really know how to give an erotic massage, one that makes your lover feel so relaxed and turned on that they’d be happy to do anything you asked in that moment? Or have you ever felt the incredible thrill of hearing your lover whisper an erotic story to you while blindfolded? What about a bath for two, filled with rose petals, surrounded by candles, and an assortment of waterproof vibrating toys tucked discreetly in the corner?

With a little creativity and a lot of attention to detail this phase of life can really be one to sexually look forward to. (Luckily many couples are “empty-nesters” by this point and have the luxury of alone time again!)

Become an Oral/Manual Sex Expert

So what if your ding-dong doesn’t work and she’s as dry as a desert, you still have wonderfully tricky tongues and capable hands! Also, don’t be fooled into thinking that just because you can’t get an erection means you can’t have an orgasm. These are physiologically two different things and can be separated into unique experiences. There are a lot of books and such out there teaching this kind of no-erection-orgasm (though many time it doesn’t have to be taught) that you can look into if you’re interested.

But is no-erection and no-penetration sex even worth it? The answer seems to be a resounding ‘yes’ from those who’ve been there. Take Bob for example,

“Bob (in his 70s) asserts that there is no change in sexual enjoyment, and his lack of erections doesn’t stop him from having an intensely active, loving sex life with Leona…Leona and Bob have sex twice a week, and Leona says she is “completely satisfied” with the “hands and mouth” sex they regularly have. It’s just that intercourse isn’t part of it…

“I was surprised I could have orgasms without erections. I thought they went hand in hand…If I can’t have intercourse that doesn’t mean I can’t have sexual union. Sex doesn’t have much to do with the penis. It’s between the ears, at the end of the tongue, in the finger, in the cuddling. Inserting my penis in a vagina is not the epitome of life…”

~Exert Taken From “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty,” Page 227~

Well said Bob! Clearly he still has quite a lot of fun with his lover, and hasn’t allowed his changing penile abilities get in the way of a varied and interesting sex life. Never underestimate the pleasures that can come from a practiced tongue and a hand (or two) with great techniques.

Here are a couple great oral sex guides to get you started:

• The Lowdown on Going Down – Guide for Men
• The Master’s Guide to Cunnilingus – Guide for Men
• Blow Him Away – Guide for Women
• The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio – Guide for Women

But If You Still Must Penetrate, Use a Strap-On Toy

Adult toy companies think of everything, and they have come up with a solution for men who want to simulate penetrative sex without needing an erection. These toys are in the category of regular strap-ons except they come with a hollow dildo that men can insert their penises into and have penetrative sex with or without an erection. I know, interesting little gadgets! (Don’t be intimidated by them, remember I said you have to start experimenting?)

With a strap-on you can have sex for as long as you and your lover want. They are very affordable and receive great user reviews. Certainly a good option to keep in mind.

All in all, “Married Old Guys” have lots of ways to keep their sex lives hot. Maybe even hotter than when they were in their so-called sexual primes – As long as they’re willing to put in the effort and remain open-minded!

Helpful Sex-in-Midlife Resources:

• Better Than Ever: Love and Sex at Midlife
• Renew Your Marriage at Midlife: A Guide to Growing Together in Love
• Seduction Secrets for Men in Loving Relationships
• All-In-One Sensual Love Kits to Help You Explore Each Other in New Ways
• Discover Your Lover – A Board Game for Adventurous Adults

If You Enjoyed This, Then Don‘t Miss:

• “Control Yourself!” – How to Stop Ejaculating Too Soon
• Why Doesn’t My Wife Want to Have Sex with Me Anymore?
• She’s Wet, But is She Turned-On?

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