Ashley Madison. Does the name sound familiar? Perhaps she’s a C-List starlet you might’ve seen on a really bad late night movie fest. Perhaps she’s one of your favorite AVN award nominations. But what the name is actually synonymous with these days is extra-marital affairs. And they’re not shy about their pride in being so. Officially launched in 2002 the Canadian based Ashley Madison is the premier site for cheating spouses.
The “eHarmony of Infidelity so to speak. In fact, one of the primary requirements to join is that you be in a “solid” marriage with the assumption that anyone you find on the site has as much to lose as you do. Although free to join you must purchase credits in order to do more than send an initial e-mail. It enables men and women to find others seeking that forbidden tryst or connection that they feel lacking in their own relationship.
The site even has deception capabilities built into the site itself with a panic button to click on which automatically displays a Google search page in the event you have sudden over the shoulder company. Many argue that it enables and makes possible the destruction of trust which marital fabric is built upon. “Monogamy, in my opinion, is a failed experiment,” says the site’s founder Noel Biderman.
And that’s where my “reporting” ends and my own thoughts and questions begin. Monogamy is a very old idea. Biblical in fact. But with science continually pushing away the veil of mystery and casting a critical light into the corners of belief and religion do you believe it’s possible for an antiquated, social pressure such as monogamy to continue to guide such a species-driving force as sexual desire and attraction into continued submission? I, like a good portion of of you, had a usual American upbringing with the usual American parenting and religious structure / system.
So I know you know that I know what I’m talking about. But if you’re part of the X or Y generation you fell into a strange societal gap that those before you (the Babyboomers) and those after ( Gen Z, Generation M (for Me), or the Internet Generation) never had to deal with. It’s a social gag reflex and an extreme lean to the right that resulted from the AIDS epidemic of the 80′s when abstinence was touted as the only sure fire way to stay safe in the government-led hysteria born from ignorance and it’s own suppressed research on the matter.
A “Puritan Pause” so to speak where aversion to sexuality and masturbation, self-expression and non-traditional sexual identification were not just frowned upon but flat out persecuted on many levels from accepted youth vocabulary (“Don’t be a fag, dude.”) to legislative games of “Keep Away” for equal rights in marriage and legislation.
But the pendulum has swung back towards liberal views of begrudging tolerance if not acceptance. Homosexuals can marry and teens can express being gay, lesbian, bi-curious or pan-sexual and it be accepted by friends and fellow students. Shows like Sister-Wives & Big Love are aired on top television stations. Swinger clubs, once treated by the law as hotbeds of perversion and disease crop up in places you’d never imagine nor expect.
In the dating scene 20-somethings are retaining their own apartments but having sexual stay-overs instead of moving in with one another. It feels like Sexual Revolution!
So what do you think?
- Is Monogamy becoming a secular following of a religious belief system?
- Are more unconventional arrangements on the rise towards social embrace?
- Or is it all just a sexual experiment destined to fade away once the novelty wears off?
Share your thoughts and let us know! (Don’t be shy. We love self-expression. It’s HOT!)
Official Blog Of:
Ignite Your Passion
Loading ...
I don’t believe that monogamy is threatened any more today than it has been at any other time in history. Yes, with the internet people who choose to do so find increasingly easier ways to cheat. The opportunities are simply more visible. I’m not sure that more people are giving into temptation simply because they are being inundated with sites such as Ashley Madison.
Monogamy is not even limited to humans. There are many examples of monogamy in other animals. Swans are a well known monogamous creature and that trait has lent them the romantic association. Elephants are also monogamous to the point that when the mate dies they have been known to stop eating and drinking, choosing to perish rather than go on without the mate that has been lost.
There will always be a percentage of the population who will cheat. The reasons are individual rather than societal. The seven year itch and mid-life crisis are not just cliches. They give a more palatable heading to something that has been going on for ages. AIDS and other STDs (nor even the campaigns to try to limit their spread) have not eliminated the percentage of the population who are not able to maintain a monogamous relationship.
Gender roles and expectations play a large part in how likely a person is to monogamous at a given point in his or her life. Men base their virility on their conquests starting at a young age. This is before mental maturity has been achieved. Women are taught that “good girls” limit the number of partners she should have. This can result in the feeling of missing out on something or simply settling for the wrong partner. From both sides there is a psychological setup than can encourage cheating.
What about long range? How many people are not monogamous later in life? Is the attitude that you are limiting yourself if you are monogamous not the outlook of someone who still has some maturing to do?
The accepted figure is that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. One way to look at that is to concentrate on those that failed. However, given that divorce has only truly been socially acceptable for the past 30 years, all of the setups for failure, and all of the opportunities that are being opened up to allow for cheating; isn’t it more impressive (and a good indicator that monogamy is alive and well) that 50% of marriages survive?
Thankfully society has become more accepting of gays and lesbians. It allows for optimism to see more states recognizing their marriages. The fight for their right to marry actually backs up my belief that monogamy is still quite healthy. Of the gays and lesbians that I know, all but two are in monogamous relationships. The two that are not, are looking for the person to be in one with. Society has not become more accepting of those who cheat however. One just needs to look at reactions to public figures who have been caught. People who have been caught cheating are vilified more than those who are found to have an addiction.
Monogamy provides security, a bond that strengthens, and support. Rather than a boring existence, it allows for two people to know each other on a deeper level and as a result open up more possibilities. As long as monogamy provides the positives, it will be alive and kicking for those who are ready to handle it.
Very good points I must admit. I think Monogamy will always have a place in a relationship (in some form or another) for as long as there is a need for security and stability. But on the other end of the spectrum I think monogamy can be very constricting if expressed from a point of insecurity and fear. I have learned that fear and lack of communication are the killers of even the best relationships.
I’ve been in a stable, polyamorous relationship with my boyfriend and my girlfriend for more than three years now, and I have to say I don’t think monogamy is going away any time soon (more’s the pity). We’re halfway out of the closet about our relationship: our family and friends, some of our children’s teachers, and most of my co-workers know about our rather unorthodox family. On the other hand, most, if not all, of my boyfriend’s co-workers are in the dark, because he works for a very staid, conservative company that would take a very dim view indeed of his bisexuality.
Reactions to date have been extremely mixed; my girlfriend’s family has accepted me with only slight resentment at my “interloper” status, whereas my family has completely disowned me. Our friends are more curious than anything, with the most common reaction being, “Wow, I guess if that works for you, great, but I could never cheat like that.” When we explain that there’s no cheating involved, and that all three of us are completely open and honest about our relationship, including any desire to date outside our triad — a daunting task indeed when you’re trying to raise four children!
I will grant that, because of our location in a medium-large Midwestern city, we have a somewhat skewed sample set of colleagues and friends. But I doubt that even in the largest cities such an unusual domestic situation would be accepted without question.
On further reflection, though, maybe universal monogamy is dying as a normative value. The very fact that our situation can exist publicly, even to as limited an extent as ours, must say something about the monogamous, heteronormative paradigm being at least relaxed, if not shifted entirely.
Thank you for your response Disquieting. I commend your courage to trust in those closest to you.
I offer my sincere condolences on the loss of your family’s love and communication.
But I believe we all choose what we will and will not accept. And for some the prioritization of self-imposed ignorance is more comforting than overcoming the fear of perceptive extension into the unknown for the sake of love and family.
Fear is the opposite of love.