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Sex Tips for “Married Old Guys” - How to Keep Your Sex Life Hot, Even Without Erections!
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I swear, my Stumble Upon mailbox never fails to make me smile. For some reason most of you readers seem to feel more comfortable sending your questions to that email address rather than using the nifty form I created here. (You know, I took a lot of time creating that easy-to-use form!) But that’s OK, I forgive you. As long as you send me your sex questions I’m happy, regardless of where you send them to.
Today’s question was submitted by a 52 year old married man who self-identifies as “Old.” I wouldn’t say 52 is old, but that’s not the point right now. Here is his exact question:
“I am married, so my sex skills are really rusty. Do you have any recommendations for us married old guys?” ~Married Old Guy, Kansas, USA~
Hm, the fact that his sex skills are rusty because he’s been married a long time immediately raises a red flag. From my perspective, this statement should not be true. If you’re married and have been enjoying sex with your spouse for a long time then your sex skills “should” be fairly refined by now - perhaps to the point of sexual connoisseur. You should know everything about your spouse as a sexual being. What turns them on, what their favorite place to be touched is, how many orgasms they can possibly have in a row. That sort of intimate understanding is at the heart of a loving long term relationship.
So “rusty sex skills” immediately makes me wonder why he hasn’t been sexually connected to his wife lately (or for a long time). Admittedly, “sex” changes a lot during middle age for both men and women due to normal physiological changes. Shifts and drops in hormone levels wreak all sorts of havoc - she has trouble getting wet, sexual arousal is harder to achieve, erections aren’t as strong and don’t last very long, and both partners have the potential to lose much of their “normal” libidos.
Many couples frequently become overly concerned with these changes, and the growing media push toward “fixing” these “problems” with drugs or herbal concoctions certainly doesn’t help. I don’t consider these natural sexual shifts to be “problems” at all, and think positioning them as such does much more emotional harm that good. What couples should be doing during this time is reevaluating what “sex” means to them, how important it is to their relationship, and exploring alternative forms of intimacy.
Now that you know exactly where I’m coming from, here are my recommendations for all you “Married Old Guys” out there!
Expand Your Idea of “Sex”
Sex is not the same thing as penetration. Sex is not the same thing as penetration. Say it to yourself over and over again. Make it your brand new mantra. Stop believing that you have to use your penis as a whole-filler in order to have “real” sex. Just because you’re not able to get those immediate, rock-hard erections that last for hours on end like you used to (OK, maybe not hours!) doesn’t mean you have a sexual disorder that needs treatment.
I know, there are many people and institutions that would like to convince you otherwise, but from a sexological perspective, you are perfectly healthy. Relational problems often occur because many men experience a significant drop in self-esteem and self-worth when they can no longer penetrate a vagina on cue, but this negative shift in self-image doesn’t have to happen and it doesn’t require drugs to fix it (unless in the rare case of extreme depression, etc).
Instead, try to expand your ideas of sex and intimacy to include everything that brings you closer to your lover. This includes kisses, hugs, cuddles, oral sex, fantasy-sharing, writing/reading erotic stories to each other, and anything else that serves to strengthen your unique romantic bond. Get rid of any cultural stereotypes of what makes “a man a man” and focus on what really brings pleasure to you and your lover.
If you are both roughly the same age, then you’re probably going through many of the same sexual insecurities. Talk about them, share them, and then start to do things that reinforce your commitment to each other. Yes, part of this does mean experimenting with new forms of sexual expression. Rather than a time of “Well, there goes our great sex life…” these physiological changes can prompt an era of brand new sexual opportunities if approached from a respectful and affectionate perspective.
How to Improve Your Sex Life Without Pills and Potions
Delve into Your Sensuality - One of the nice things about not focusing so much on penetration is it forces you to slow down and to take your time with more sensual delights, indulgent treats you may have missed in your rush to “get in.”
For example, do you really know how to give an erotic massage, one that makes your lover feel so relaxed and turned on that they’d be happy to do anything you asked in that moment? Or have you ever felt the incredible thrill of hearing your lover whisper an erotic story to you while blindfolded? What about a bath for two, filled with rose petals, surrounded by candles, and an assortment of waterproof vibrating toys tucked discreetly in the corner?
With a little creativity and a lot of attention to detail this phase of life can really be one to sexually look forward to. (Luckily many couples are “empty-nesters” by this point and have the luxury of alone time again!)
Become an Oral/Manual Sex Expert
So what if your ding-dong doesn’t work and she’s as dry as a desert, you still have wonderfully tricky tongues and capable hands! Also, don’t be fooled into thinking that just because you can’t get an erection means you can’t have an orgasm. These are physiologically two different things and can be separated into unique experiences. There are a lot of books and such out there teaching this kind of no-erection-orgasm (though many time it doesn’t have to be taught) that you can look into if you’re interested.
But is no-erection and no-penetration sex even worth it? The answer seems to be a resounding ‘yes’ from those who’ve been there. Take Bob for example,
“Bob (in his 70s) asserts that there is no change in sexual enjoyment, and his lack of erections doesn’t stop him from having an intensely active, loving sex life with Leona…Leona and Bob have sex twice a week, and Leona says she is “completely satisfied” with the “hands and mouth” sex they regularly have. It’s just that intercourse isn’t part of it…
“I was surprised I could have orgasms without erections. I thought they went hand in hand…If I can’t have intercourse that doesn’t mean I can’t have sexual union. Sex doesn’t have much to do with the penis. It’s between the ears, at the end of the tongue, in the finger, in the cuddling. Inserting my penis in a vagina is not the epitome of life…”
~Exert Taken From “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty,” Page 227~
Well said Bob! Clearly he still has quite a lot of fun with his lover, and hasn’t allowed his changing penile abilities get in the way of a varied and interesting sex life. Never underestimate the pleasures that can come from a practiced tongue and a hand (or two) with great techniques.
Here are a couple great oral sex guides to get you started:
- The Lowdown on Going Down - Guide for Men
- The Master’s Guide to Cunnilingus - Guide for Men
- Blow Him Away - Guide for Women
- The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio - Guide for Women
But If You Still Must Penetrate, Use a Strap-On Toy
Adult toy companies think of everything, and they have come up with a solution for men who want to simulate penetrative sex without needing an erection. These toys are in the category of regular strap-ons except they come with a hollow dildo that men can insert their penises into and have penetrative sex with or without an erection. I know, interesting little gadgets! (Don’t be intimidated by them, remember I said you have to start experimenting?)
With a strap-on you can have sex for as long as you and your lover want. They are very affordable and receive great user reviews. Certainly a good option to keep in mind.
All in all, “Married Old Guys” have lots of ways to keep their sex lives hot. Maybe even hotter than when they were in their so-called sexual primes - As long as they’re willing to put in the effort and remain open-minded!
Helpful Sex-in-Midlife Resources:
- Better Than Ever: Love and Sex at Midlife
- Renew Your Marriage at Midlife: A Guide to Growing Together in Love
- Seduction Secrets for Men in Loving Relationships
- All-In-One Sensual Love Kits to Help You Explore Each Other in New Ways
- Discover Your Lover - A Board Game for Adventurous Adults
If You Enjoyed This, Then Don‘t Miss:
- “Control Yourself!” - How to Stop Ejaculating Too Soon
- Why Doesn’t My Wife Want to Have Sex with Me Anymore?
- She’s Wet, But is She Turned-On?
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speaksexy @ December 2, 2007
[…] Hm, the fact that his sex skills are rusty because he’s been married a long time immediately raises a red flag. From my perspective, this statement should not be true. If you’re married and have been enjoying sex with your spouse for a long time then your sex skills “should” be fairly refined by now - perhaps to the point of sexual connoisseur. You should know everything about your spouse as a sexual being. What turns them on, what their favorite place to be touched is, how many orgasms they can possibly have in a row. That sort of intimate understanding is at the heart of a loving long term relationship. Read more […]
I think that people should really expand and follow this advice whether or not they are “married old guys” or not — the basic idea is to re-think what defines sex and spend time doing something other than just traditional intercourse. Good advice for all!
~~That’s the real deal!
You advice should be posted on every lamp-post in New York City! (Maybe, I’m going over the top w/that, but, this post, certainly, was refreshing to read.
~~So far, I’ve got no problems in my sex drive, but I’m sure most men have contemplated their 50’s~~watching their parents age, or hearing so much talk about “wonder pills.”
~~You’ve cut through the “fears,” and have set the record straight. It’s good to know, not “everything” is all in a persons head.
~~This one gets my vote for Top three!
Thanks, Sugar!
xx,Will..
Catalina - I agree with you! Much of what I said in this article could be used at any age to help enrich and deepen your sex life with your partner.
Unfortunately most people don’t “slow down” and take the time to explore the more sensual aspects of sexuality until later in life when they are kind of “forced to” since the penetrative aspect of sex naturally diminishes. Thanks for your support!
I’m just sick and tired of seeing ads for “erectile dysfunction” that make it seem like a deathly serious problem like AIDS or cancer.
Will - LOL, you’re welcome! Want to start making the posters now?
So much of what our bodies normally do when it comes to reproduction and sexuality is portrayed as things that need to be “fixed” or “covered up” (like menstruation for example) that it makes people feel completely insecure about themselves when they shouldn’t be.
It drives me bonkers!
Yes, your penis is probably not going to work as well in your 70s as it did in your 20s - just like your hair is probably going to turn gray and start falling out. These things do not need to be “fixed” as though you were “broken”. They need to be dealt with and accepted in a mature manner. That’s all.
Of course there are plenty of things that you can do to stay as “young” as possible for as long as possible, but this is just part of leading a generally healthy lifestyle.
Aging is not a disease in and of itself!!! Ggrrrr!
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After prostate cancer surgery I was rendered impotent. I explored and tried many alternatives for erections, none succeeded. But to my surprise and joy I found that I could continue to masturbate my flaccid penis to orgasms that frankly were deep more intense and full bodied, far more than when I had erections. Go figure. If you are into oral sex as I am (as is my fem partner)then in fact the loss of erection proved moot. I might add that in conversations with many male friends middle age and over I find loss of erection common and easy to talk about. We have come a long way!
imouse, LA
iMouse - Welcome to Speak Sexy! Thank you for sharing that very personal story with us. It sounds like you’re really comfortable with your new erection-less sexuality and enjoying yourself very much. Congrats on that and overcoming prostate cancer!
I’m also happy that you’ve been able to open up about your sex life with your friends. This is a huge cultural improvement to me since the more people actually talk about sex the more they realize how “common” their hidden problems actually are and can support each other.
Also, your description of an erection-less orgasm being more powerful than the ones you experienced with erections is intriguing. I’m sure there are many men out there who are reading this and breathing heavy sighs of relief! So from all of them, thanks again for sharing!
sexy jpg
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Hi - big thanks (great site!).
Guide - You’re welcome! I’m happy you enjoyed your visit. Come back anytime.
I definitely have to affirm that learning how to give an erotic massage can do wonders for your love life. One of the greatest turn-ons for a man is seeing a woman respond sexually (moan, groan and pelvic movements) to his oral or vaginal massage techniques.
Just thinking about it makes me quiver.