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The other day I was sitting on the sofa next to my husband watching a movie when he started “cuddling” up to me – Not in the ‘Oh-I-Just-Want-To-Hold-You’ kind of way, but really cuddling. I wasn’t exactly in the mood (yes that happens even to me sometimes!), so I did my best to ignore his suggestive overtures. After a few minutes of getting no response, he sat back, frowned, and asked, “Don’t you want me anymore?” - His standard line in these situations.
I smiled and said, “Of course I still want you, just not right now.” – My standard response. Then I explained how unsexy I felt in my glasses and mismatched baggy pajamas, and made a joke about not understanding why he would want to have sex with me looking the way I did anyway.
And then he said IT. Out of nowhere my woman-respecting, sexologically-educated husband said:
“So what? As long as your vagina looks good…!!!”
I nearly laughed myself right off the couch. As long as my vagina looks good?! My Vagina?! What the hell was that supposed to mean? That when he “lovingly” has sex with me all he thinks about is my vagina?! Not how much he adores me, or how wonderful my hands feel on his body…No! Not my husband! Apparently the only thing that’ll make or break the sexual experience for him is the presentability (or lack thereof) of my vagina!
Where’d the “It’s the way you look at me that turns me on” or the “I want to have sex with you because I feel so close to you” go? Lies! All lies! Just when I think he really is a “sensitive” and “understanding” example of a man, he goes and says something as blunt and as chauvinistic as that – how Typical!
But if you think he quickly realized the error of his ways, and said something “nice” to make up for that shocking comment, think again! Instead he had the audacity to confirm my worst fears with his next remark:
“Why are you acting surprised?! I’m a man! That’s how we think!”
This time I did land on the floor. And once my indignant fit of laughter was over, I realized I was speechless. What could I say to that?! So I began to think instead. It didn’t take me long to start connecting the rather obvious dots. For example, when we watch porn together he always goes straight to what I call the “penis-vagina-penis-vagina” shots. You know, the ones where all you see on the screen is an anonymous penis going in and out of an equally anonymous vagina over and over again? To me those shots are kind of boring in a clinical sort of way.
In the past I’ve asked him what he thought was so great about those ultra-close-up monotonous shots, and he would explain that’s what most men like seeing. It’s why most porn, geared for male audiences as a standard, is filled to the brim with those shots. To me, and I assume to a lot of other women as well, penis-vagina-penis-vagina shots are like watching a close up of someone brushing their teeth, or performing some other very mundane task. It’s just a penis, going into a vagina. That’s it. Nothing special, nothing exciting. People do it all the time, who cares and why should I bother watching?
In order for porn to be “good” to me there has to at least be a little chemistry between the actors. Something that makes me want to watch their bodies come together. Something that engages my imagination and consequently turns me on. Once I am turned on, then those penis-vagina shots aren’t so bad. In fact they can be down right hot. But geez people, give me a moment to ready myself for that first!
As much as I like to believe men and woman are generally the same, it seems when it comes to “foreplay” the old stereotypes may hold more truth than my feminist side would like to admit. In the end I really have no problem with my husband bluntly telling me all he needs is my nice, clean vagina to be happy. I appreciate his honesty, and don’t expect him to always feel the same way about things as I do. I’m cool like that.
But then again, we didn’t have sex that night…
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