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Emotional Sex is Too Much Work - Who Does She Think She Is?!
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Well it’s been another ponder-ific conversation day at my house. It all started innocently enough with my husband commenting on how slow my reflexes are when it comes to catching things…
Husband: “You’d never be one of those people who can catch arrows in mid-air…Nope, they’d go right through your head!” (Hahaha.)
Me: “You’re right. I’d just have one of my men catch them for me.” (As I grinned triumphantly.)
Husband: “Men - As in many men, not just one?”
Me: “Yep, many. I’d have a group of very talented men who are good at various things to protect me.”
Husband: “And why exactly would they all protect you like that?”
Me: “Because I’d have sex with them.”
Husband: “All of them?! You’d have sex with all of them?! In other words, you’d be a slut.”
And so began an hour and a half’s worth of debating the morality of multiple sex partners, the sanctity of sex between those “in love,” what exactly makes a “slut,” the “grossness” of having sex with 100 men at the same time, the connection between pride, self-esteem, and sex - and finally - the issue of what makes emotional sex different from physical sex.
To sum up, I mostly argued physical sex is just that and nothing more. It’s a good time that doesn’t have to involve people who are emotionally connected to each other. 30 minutes of groping, thrusting, and panting before a final goodbye and it’s over.
On the other hand, really emotional sex is in a rare category all by itself. This is the kind of sex when you honestly feel like your hearts and souls are colliding, uniting, becoming the same magnificent entity. During this kind of sex the physical stuff takes a back seat. In fact, your bodies may not have to move very much at all for very powerful sex to occur.
Needless to say, emotional sex does not happen very often, and for most couples it only spontaneously occurs at the very beginning of the relationship. After that, it seems to take an awful tragedy (like a death in the family) or some other equally emotional event to trigger the need for this kind of intense bonding.
Sure, you can recapture those feelings with a lot (a lot!) of carefully planned romantic work (as in days and days of candlelit meals, deep conversations, hours of staring into each other’s eyes, etc.) - but who honestly has time for that?
Apparently my husband disagrees.
He thinks that kind of emotionally monumental sex may not happen for women very often - But it does for men! Men, he claims, can have emotional sex without all the pre-planned romantic stuff. He says men sometimes feel very close to their lovers for “no reason,” and because of this sex is often more emotional for men than it is for women.
Huh? Come again?!
I must admit though, his argument does seem to be consistent with research conducted in this area which links men’s overall feelings of “love” for their partners with the act of sex. Many people who study sex believe that for men, feelings of love are conjured up during sex - whereas for women feelings of love must be present before sex begins in order for her to feel really connected to her parter during sex.
OK - Point for Husband!
But oddly enough what this means is women have purely physical sex more often than men, making women the less “lovey-dovey” partner. So my original assertion that I would have sex with men in order to utilize their skills (in this case the ability to catch arrows in mid-air that, for some odd reason, are being shot at my head) makes sense. Clearly it would be meaningless physical sex which I would likely enjoy. No problem from my perspective. (Fun Sex = Needed Protection = Win/Win for All)
But for a man, using sex to gain something in return might not be so emotionally easy if we agree to the idea that sex is more emotionally provocative for men. That’s why my husband balks at the very idea of me hypothetically trading sex for protection. Trading sex might involve giving a lot more of “himself” away than it would for me. Strange, but perhaps true.
Which brings me to the end of our conversation -
Why are women so needy when it comes to triggering strong emotions during sex? Why do women need hours, if not days, of wooing in preparation for deeply connective sex to happen? Or as my husband so eloquently put it, “Who the Hell do you women think you are? Why do we (men) have to go around treating you like Queens in order for you to feel “connected” to us?”
Again - Point for Husband!
My only rebuttal, it must be genetic. (Weak argument, I know…) My only fighting chance at this point was to bring up the mating practices of crocodiles which I’ve recently learned about via an interview with the late Crocodile Hunter’s wife on Larry King. According to her a crocodile male will spend up to THREE DAYS courting a female crocodile before she MIGHT agree to mate with him. He rubs himself up against her, brings her food, etc. all in the hopes that she will have sex with him in the end - which, by the way, is not guaranteed!
Add to that the little male rain forest bird courting dance, the male peacock’s feather display, and the countless other males who spend lots of precious time and energy trying to get females into “bed,” and you start to get the biological picture I’m trying to paint.
Sorry guys, that’s just the way it is. You’ll have to impress us with YOUR tail feathers if you want us to get all “emotional” about having sex with you. Yes, it’ll take days of romancing us. Telling us how beautiful we are and how your world would stop turning without us in it…
Or you could settle for having unemotional sex with us on a fairly regular basis. It might not be spiritually mind-blowing sex, but something tells me you won’t complain much either way.
What I Learned Today:
Women need to be wooed by men for a long long time before getting “emotional” about sex (especially when they are in a loving long-term relationship and the crazy hormones of new love/lust have passed).
Women have much more physical-only sex than men (or some women will only have sex when they feel emotionally close to their partners which leads to the common situation of “he always wants sex” and “she never wants sex” - Back to the problem of time and wooing!).
Women are generally less emotional during sex than men and are therefore more willing to trade sex for goods because sex can mean much less to a woman than to a man (maybe this is why women have traditionally been the ones who use sex to “get their way” throughout history?).
But I’m Still Confused…
If all this is true, why do MEN have the love-’em-and-leave-’em reputation?!
Explore There Ideas Further and Hopefully Get More Sex!
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speaksexy @ November 21, 2007
Ah, what a great-great post!
“Sex is emotion in motion”… I love the idea by Mae West, since I think this way. We are humans and our sex is an emotional act anyway. And, actually, I’m also a bit confused, since I used to think emotion is mostly our female prerogative. Crocodile example is so interesting… My compliments to you Rose!
Some of your articles I find interesting - like the one above. And I use them on my blog - see above.
Nelli - You think you’re confused? I’m always confused after talking to my husband. lol - no, just kidding.
I know that traditionally women have been the “emotional” ones, but maybe that’s just because a lot of women don’t have sex unless they feel emotional - which might be why women are considered the “stingy” ones who never want to have sex. In a way, it all makes sense.
TC - Thanks for reading. I try to keep it interesting around here!
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Hmm, great post. I have a hunch this is also why men are supposedly more hurt when women cheat in the physical sense: To them, it represents more than hours of friendship and bonding (without intercourse) ever could. They assume it’s even more so for us… they don’t realize that sometimes it really is just sex.
Maybe this is also why women are supposedly more likely to forgive a man “just sex” than emotional infidelity… We can have sex without much emotion, so we’ve been believing this “she meant nothing to me” shpiel all these centuries.
I’ve found that the surest way to make a man fall in love with you (especially if it’s the last thing you want) is to give him both sex and warmth, but absolutely no capital-L Lurve. This is why many men in my experience can’t really handle fuckbuddy arrangements, and this is why certain men fall in love with sex workers.
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Hello…Thanks for the nice read, keep up the interesting posts…what a nice Wednesday.
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