I Don’t Need Porn, I Get Real Sex!

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Recently in my StumbleUpon mailbox I received a very short, and very interesting question from a young man in California wondering how I handle rude people who believe porn users are all “losers” who don’t “get any.” The exact email asked:

“Other stumblers have directed some nasty comments at adult stumblers, saying things like “I don’t need porn, I get real sex.” What would you say to them?”

Every time I read this wonderful question I smile. Why? Because there are so many interconnected social and cultural stereotypes wrapped into those few words that my brain almost explodes with the amount of arguments I could give in response. So before I actually spontaneously combust into flames of indignation, here are a few things I COULD say to “Them.”

Why Do You Think Porn is a Substitute for Sex?

Because the statement itself implies that porn and “real” sex are mutually exclusive categories - i.e. if you have one then you don’t need the other - makes me wonder why they see porn as somewhat equivalent to sex with a partner instead of as a sex enhancer or just as a fun thing to do. Apparently this person views porn as a way to relieve their sexual desires only when no other sexual outlet is available, which in and of itself isn’t bad. Many people use porn in this way.

However the implication that porn and self-gratification techniques such as masturbation are somehow second-rate, is disturbing. Why does this person feel as though sex with a partner is “higher” than sex with themselves? Why is masturbation frowned upon and seen as something to be done only in the absence of a sex partner? Of course, I’m assuming this person is linking masturbation to porn use - otherwise the idea of the statement wouldn’t make much sense since “porn” is something you passively consume and “sex” is something you actively do. Essentially the statement could also read, “I don’t need to masturbate because I get real sex.”

Everything about that belief is culturally and religiously bound. In our Western Catholically-Influenced culture, masturbation has been condemned by the church as a wasteful sin that needs to be controlled and stopped. Sex is only supposed to happen within the confines of a marriage sanctioned by God Himself, and only for purposes of procreation - Not pleasure. (It’s true some Christian groups today have done away with the idea of No-Pleasure-Sex and actively encourage husbands and wives to make the most of their sex lives, but this is still a very new trend with the goal of keeping marriages together in a divorce-happy world!)

Under these conditions masturbation is one of the worst things you can do. It’s purely for physical gratification and has absolutely nothing to do with having children. Therefore anything that promotes or encourages someone to masturbate is evil. And porn is the champion of all masturbation instigators. Hundreds of years of anti-masturbation and anti-pleasure propagandas are very difficult things to culturally undo, and statements like the one above reflect those lingering religious dogmas.

Why Do You Think People Who Use Porn Don’t Have “Real” Sex?

Married, dating, engaged, divorced, and single people all use porn. There is no reason to believe that just because someone has an available sex partner at his or her disposal means they will not use porn from time to time. Like I mentioned before, porn is not and can not be compared to sex because they are two completely different things. Masturbation to sex, yes. Porn to sex, no.

It is very possible (happens all the time actually) for a sexually fulfilled married person who has “real” sex four times a week with their spouse to also enjoy watching porn and masturbating. Masturbation is not something that is done “instead of” partner sex, but “along with”. It’s its own thing. Something to be enjoyed for itself, and not necessarily done because someone is sexually frustrated in or out of a relationship. It is wrong to say someone in a relationship who masturbates is sexually unhappy because it’s simply not true for most people. Sex with yourself is fun. Sex with your lover is fun. That’s it. End of story. If you like to watch other people have sex while you’re pleasuring yourself, so what?

Porn is a sexual enhancer that can be incorporated into solo OR partner sex. Thousands of couples watch and use porn together during foreplay because they enjoy it and it turns them both on. No, that does not mean they don’t or can’t get each other excited without watching porn, it just means it’s something they enjoy doing together - like giving massages or talking dirty. So not only do people who use porn also have “real” sex, but the two are very often combined into one fantastic erotic experience!

Why Do You Think Porn is a “Need”?

“I don’t need porn…” Welcome to the club! Other than a very small number of people who are clinically “addicted” to porn, I don’t think anyone needs porn. It’s not as though people would cease to live happy lives if all the porn in the world suddenly disappeared…But admittedly it would be a very sad moment since so many of us love porn. Wouldn’t you be sad if there was no more chocolate cake or ice cream left in the world? Sure, you’d go on living, but it would still suck. Well, porn is like that. It’s a great sex “extra” just like dessert. No one needs porn, but it has a way of making our sexual lives that much sweeter.

Why Do You Feel Like You Have to Tell Me This About Yourself?

The only reasons I can think of why someone would write this sort of message to a virtual stranger is to make themselves appear “better” than someone else and/or to try to force their own moral beliefs on the receiver. My response would be, “So what if you have “real” sex and don’t use porn? Am I supposed to care? Am I supposed to feel badly about myself because I do use porn (even though I may or may not be having “real” sex too)?”

Perhaps this person feels guilty because they do enjoy porn even though they’re morally against it. Or maybe they like feeling “holier than thou” and get their kicks by trying to make other people feel morally inferior to themselves. Whatever their motivation, the problem is 100% their own and the receiver should not take anything about it to heart.

But if you do want to explore the issue further by justifying their message with a response, then go ahead and pick your favorite argument above. Take them up on the issue of whether or not masturbation is “good,” let them know how many COUPLES view porn together, remind them that it’s not an either/or kind of thing. And then, purely for shits and giggles ask them this -

What is “Real” Sex Anyway?

Now that’s bound to open up a whole other impishly entertaining can of worms!

For All You Porn Lovers:

• Eden - “If you like sex on the beach - this is it!”
• Pirates - The biggest porn movie ever made to date
• Hand to Mouth - Oral and Manual Pleasures Only
• Pornomation - Digital Fantasy Porn You Have to See to Believe!
• Anal Action - 5-Star Rated by Viewers

While We’re On The Subject…

• Masturbating to Your Lover’s Voice - The High-Tech Way
• Does Your Lover’s Masturbation Bother You?
• Dirty Talking Porn - Why Are Women Always “Sluts” “Bitches” or “Whores”?

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speaksexy @ November 14, 2007