“With My Tongue in Your Tail?” - The Kinky Side of Shakespeare

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You remember Shakespeare right? From high school? That boring guy from literature class who allegedly married a young woman after knocking her up, had torrid affairs on the side when he got tired of her, slept with men just for the fun of it, and then had the audacity to write about it all and have others act it out publicly on stage?!

No?! Well that’s not surprising considering the amazingly dull way high school is forced to teach the lewdly sexual works of Mr. William Shakespeare. It’s truly an astounding feat to make the erotically tense scenes of Romeo and Juliet or the kinky interplays of dominance and submission in Taming of the Shrew so tedious that hormonally charged teens actually miss the blunt sexual innuendos altogether.

Putting Shakespeare in Context

First of all, let’s remember the type of “theater” atmosphere Shakespeare worked in. If his plays were going to be at all successful, they had to capture the attention of a drunk, prostitute-laden, talkative crowd that didn’t hesitate to throw things at actors they didn’t like. No pressure!

Second, Shakespeare wrote in the vernacular of his time - 1500s. That’s akin to rap artists of today. Essentially he was a pop culture icon who wrote a lot about women, sex, love, sex, murder, sex, and human morality. His plays were raunchy, often vulgar, and played to the whims of the crowd. No wonder people loved it.

Romeo and Juliet - Sexual Attraction Worth Dying For

I know those who believe in “love at first sight” are going to disagree - but the entire story of Romeo and Juliet - from their first meeting to their suicides - takes place in the span of what, a week? And this is the greatest “love” story ever told? I think in reality Romeo and Juliet fell madly in Lust with each other, and like most people, confused this initial stars-in-your-eyes phase with love. True, lust is often the precursor to love, but I don’t believe a week’s worth of very short secretive meetings can possibly make for a solidly loving relationship. Do you?

Romeo and Juliet wanted each other so badly they were willing to incur the wrath of everyone and everything - their parents, their honor, their religion. Within five minutes of laying eyes on each other they were making out! Not to mention the interesting religious overtones between saints and sinners Shakespeare conjures up to add some spice to the moment.

Romeo:Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged. (By kissing Juliet, the saint, Romeo is play-acting as though atoning for his sins while at the very same time sinning).

Juliet: Then have my lips the sin that they have took. (Now Juliet coyly feigns to be worried that through their kiss she has taken on his sins. What to do, what to do?)

Romeo: Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again. (Romeo, oh-so-gallantly rectifies the situation by taking his sins back from her with yet another kiss).

But my all time favorite lines from this play are still the ones from the courtyard scene when they just can’t seem to leave each other’s presence. Romeo, being the typical man that he is, tries to go as far as possible with Juliet, clearly hoping to get up her dress before the night is through.

Romeo: O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? (Hold on there Juliet! You’ve been a cock-tease all night. Are you seriously going to leave without at least going down on me?)

Juliet: What satisfaction canst thou have to-night? (Romeo, what kind of girl do you think I am? I’m going to pretend I don’t know what you’re talking about, and you better come up with something romantic to say fast otherwise you can kiss sex with me - at any time - goodbye.)

Isn’t it a quaint little story? But nothing in Romeo and Juliet compares to the all out kinkiness in Taming of the Shrew!

Dominance, Submission, and Sexual Power Play in Taming of the Shrew

For those of you not familiar with this play, it’s about a man (Petruchio) trying to get a very surly woman (Katherine) to marry him against her will. She has a bad-ass reputation around town and no one wants to take on the challenge of “taming” her into a nice submissive wife except for Petruchio who believes he can handle any woman. Needless to say, lots of sexy sparks fly when they’re together…

Petruchio: Come, come, you wasp; i’ faith, you are too angry.

Katherine: If I be waspish, best beware my sting.

Petruchio: My remedy is then, to pluck it out.

Kathrine: Ay, if the fool could find it where it lies. (This line always reminds me of Mr. & Mrs. Smith when Jolie says “Baby, you couldn’t find the button with both hands and a map!”)

Petruchio: Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.

Kathrine: In his tongue.

Petruchio: Whose tongue?

Kathrine: Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell.

Petruchio: What, with my tongue in your tail? Nay, come again, Good Kate; I am a gentleman. (What exactly is he saying? He’s too much of a gentleman to put his tongue where?! Yeah, he got her pretty well there - She has no choice but to smack him at this point.)

Kathrine: That I’ll try. (She strikes him)

Petruchio: I swear I’ll cuff you, if you strike again…

So first he wants to “pluck” her, an obvious reference to taking her virginity. Then he boasts about knowing exactly where her “stinger” is - want to take a guess at what he’s referring to? Then he alludes to doing some very sexually provocative things with his tongue. And finally he threatens to spank (I mean strike) her. That certainly gets my imagination running!

But the story gets better. After marrying her he carts her off to his house, starves her, deprives her of sleep, and does everything he can think of to make her give in to his wishes. He taunts her with the finest foods, dresses, hats - all the while saying she will have them and more the moment she becomes “gentle.”

Eventually she breaks down and vows to be whatever he wishes for her to be. There’s a wonderful daylight scene in which he says how beautiful the moonlight is, and she finally responds that if he wants her to call the sun the moon, she will without hesitation. And by the very end of the play she publicly gets down on her knees and praises her “lord” and “governor.” For those in the D/s crowd, this scene should have you swooning. It’s very much along the same lines as Anne Rice’s popular “Beauty” series. In fact, Katherine’s speech is so erotically beautiful that I couldn’t pick my favorite lines to showcase. So, here it is in its entirety.

Fie, fie! unknit that threatening unkind brow,
And dart not scornful glances from those eyes,
To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor:
It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads,
Confounds thy fame as whirlwinds shake fair buds,
And in no sense is meet or amiable.
A woman moved is like a fountain troubled,
Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty;
And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty
Will deign to sip or touch one drop of it.
Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance commits his body
To painful labour both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt.
Such duty as the subject owes the prince
Even such a woman oweth to her husband;
And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,
And not obedient to his honest will,
What is she but a foul contending rebel
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?
I am ashamed that women are so simple
To offer war where they should kneel for peace;
Or seek for rule, supremacy and sway,
When they are bound to serve, love and obey.
Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth,
Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,
But that our soft conditions and our hearts
Should well agree with our external parts?
Come, come, you froward and unable worms!
My mind hath been as big as one of yours,
My heart as great, my reason haply more,
To bandy word for word and frown for frown;
But now I see our lances are but straws,
Our strength as weak, our weakness past compare,
That seeming to be most which we indeed least are.
Then vail your stomachs, for it is no boot,
And place your hands below your husband’s foot:
In token of which duty, if he please,
My hand is ready; may it do him ease.
Petruchio: Why, there’s a wench! Come on, and kiss me, Kate!

So, if these little excerpts haven’t whetted your Shakespearean appetite - or at the very least made you reconsider your old high school opinion of this dreaded fabled author - at least I’ve tried to show just how much sexual fun can be had by reading his works with an open (and naughty) mind.

*Special thanks to Shakespeare.mit.edu for the full texts!*

You May Be Interested In:

• William Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet (Special Edition)
• The Taming of the Shrew
• The Art of Sensual Female Dominance
• She’s On Top - Erotic Fantasies of Female Domination
• He’s On Top - Erotic Fantasies of Male Domination

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• Disappearing Kinky?

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speaksexy @ October 21, 2007