Sometimes when my husband and I are going to sleep, I cuddle up behind him, reach around in the classic “spoons” position, slide my hand down his stomach, and take hold of his penis. I don’t do anything with it necessarily. It’s not usually the beginnings of foreplay, or meant to turn him on (though judging by the reaction of his penis I know it does most of the time…) Instead the gesture is meant to show my love for him. It’s like a good-night kiss, but better.
Grant it there is a possessive element about it. Part of me feels very pleased with myself for being the only one (theoretically and morally anyway) who is allowed to do this to him in the entire world. There’s a little crazy voice in my head that screams out into the silent darkness of our bedroom, “Ha ha ha, I can do something you can’t!” at no one in particular.
Then there’s the mere physicality of it. Being that close, feeling his warmth in my hand, the way his body grows and shifts in response to my slightest caress. I’m sure he doesn’t know how closely I pay attention. I’m sure he thinks that by the time my hand wanders over his stomach I’m mostly asleep…But I enjoy touching him too much and am too distracted by him to sleep in those moments.
After a while in my hand, he begins to return to normal. I guess by this point his penis realizes that it’s not actually going to be used for anything sexual, so relaxes back into its own sleepy-time state. I hold it for a little longer, until my hand starts to feel that slight stickiness of sweaty skin-to-skin. It reminds me of the last time we made love; the delicious slapping sounds, the silky wetness of intimacy.
I sigh softly against his back, knowing that if I don’t let go now, my husband will grow uncomfortable and shift his body away from mine. It’ll just be an inch or two, but somehow I dread the separation anyway. So reluctantly I let him slip through my fingers, maybe give him one final squeeze, and settle my hand on his hip.
Sleep always comes unusually fast on these nights.
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