The Sexual Benefits of Virtual Lovers

» Posted in Blog, Fantasies, Sexual Psych. | 5 comments

Not that I am trying to date myself, but as part of the first wave of computer literate adolescents I’ll admit to spending a great deal of my free time exploring my growing sexuality online. If I had a question, I googled it. If I wanted to test out a new sexual persona, I simply popped into a chat room and engaged the first “wanna cyber?” request. After all, it really didn’t matter who was on the other end as long as they could type fast enough.

I loved that I could pretend to be any age, any gender, any hair color…Hell, I didn’t even have to be human or obey the laws of physics! I could have sex as a floating upside-down green fairy in the middle of a chocolate-filled lake if I wanted!

This ultimate, imaginative, interactive, sexual exploration allowed me to come to a foundational understanding of who I was, not only as a sexual being, but as a woman. The best part was that my exploration had no real world consequences. I couldn’t become pregnant or catch a disease. I didn’t have to worry about hurting the other person’s feelings, nothing! It was literally a mind-f*ck.

Even the sexual revolution of the 1970′s, when people were advocating sex for the sake of sex, no strings attached, couldn’t say as much. Although the emotional strings may have been cut, the physical ones were still very much in place.

Then came the miraculous birth of the internet, and with it, the first truly non-consequential sex. As a teenager, my entire world cracked wide open. “Yeah, but it’s not really sex,” you might say. “There are no bodies involved, and if there are no bodies, then there is no sex!”

Hmmm, although at first thought I tend to agree with you, the day-to-day evidence seems to go against that belief. Many people argue that their partners “cheat” on them with people online via cyber sex, and if this is a legitimate cause for concern, then perhaps cyber sex should be considered real sex, even without the use of our beloved bodies.

Back to my point, aside from the possible infidelity claim, online sex is as harmless as reading the dictionary…and arguably a lot more educational. The opportunity to mentally try out any sexual scenario with another person is perhaps one of the most valuable learning experiences we can have. For example, if you’ve heard of xyz and think xyz might turn you on but are too shy to actually do it or don’t have a willing physical partner, then going through the imaginative motions of xyz online with someone could help clarify this for you, and relieve some tension at the same time.

Another benefit is that by trying out different personas you can learn which ones feel natural and which ones don’t. Are you better at being overtly flirtatious, or do you prefer to let the other person guide the cyber play? Do you get annoyed or turned off by crudely explicit language? Do you like the details, or would you rather just stick to the general ideas?

All of these things helped me as an adolescent to gauge what type of sexual life I wanted to have, what I was “into,” and the various ways in which people expressed their sexuality. Some of my online partners were very chauvinistic, and spoke to me during sex chats as though I were an object, using words like whore, slut, banged, f*cked, shoved, hot, etc.

Others were very caring in the way they went about their seductions, using words like caressed, touched, fondled, placed, etc. Not only was the imagery different, the feelings they invoked in me during the chats were different. I quickly realized which types of lovers I preferred, what I liked to do, and perhaps more importantly, just how different everyone was in bed.

Plus, “cybering” wasn’t limited to doing it with anonymous people we didn’t know. In high school people would routinely have cyber sex with others in our school ‘just for fun.’ It was indeed meaningless, exploratory, implied no emotional involvement, and had no consequences. As a young adult in a country that glorified abstinence, it was perfect.

If this was my experience, then undoubtedly there are many others of my generation and later who can relate. As the internet continues to invade every aspect of our lives, the role of virtual sex partners in our sexual development will only increase. And although many people believe this to be a horrible consequence of technology, I see it as a great opportunity for healthful sexual exploration.