I recently received this question from one of my lovely readers, and thought it was provoking enough to make it a post. So, here is the question and my response to it. What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with me and why? I look forward to hearing your opinions! Thanks!
Question: I have been reading and soaking up the information in your blogs. I have been considering in getting my pecker wet, pun intended, with a prostitute who specializes in D/s. I am very excited with the thought of being a Dominant and don’t want to embarrass myself by not being assertive and controlling in my initial forays into this new world that I am about to enter. I realize that it takes agreement between the consenting lovers on what is allowed and how far the dominance can go but I feel that assertiveness is a telling factor on convincing the submissive to open herself to the experience. Hopefully the professional experience will give me that knowledge and confidence.
Answer: This is a great question! I’d like to start by saying that I think it is wonderful you seem to be doing some good reading and taking the information seriously. I fully understand where your concerns are coming from. I think under the circumstances having an encounter with a paid submissive would probably not give you the insights you are looking for. There are a few problems that I can anticipate, but keep in mind that I have no first hand knowledge of this, although I have seen plenty of documentaries and read articles, etc., on paid D/s partners.
First of all, people who are paid to be Doms and subs typically do not engage in sexual intercourse of any kind with their clients. The services they provide can be centered on your particular fantasies, and of course, each person providing the service still has their own limits. For example, if a woman was sexually abused as a child by her father then probably scenes involving incest would be off limits, even if she is paid.
Secondly, many of these people obviously do this as a job, and their actual knowledge of the emotional intricacies that are involved in an actual D/s relationship may be very limited. While they may be able to “act” as a sub, they are not necessarily a sub, so may not be aware of the underlying emotional needs that a real sub has (there seem to be basic needs that create the category of sub, such as craving constant approval and attention, etc.) Because of this the knowledge that you in turn gain in terms of how a Dom should/should not act in a given situation may not be as useful in your ‘real’ encounters as you would like.
Thirdly, since every sub is different in the way she chooses to express those aspects of herself, there is no exact right/wrong way to act or be Dominant. It really has to be a match of desires. For instance, some subs love when their Doms are very strict with their every day routines. They want the Dom to manage all of their time and activities for them, and when they fail to do one of these activities, feel the need to be punished (and in the fun way); punished with something they really don’t like. This period of punishment may allow them an emotional release that then brings them closer to the Dom. However, there are also subs for whom the idea of real punishment seems ridiculous. They would rather a Dom who is not so strict, but rather gives her list of things he likes/appreciates so that she can do those things at her own discretion. Under these less restrictive parameters, many subs find that they are more willing to do the things on that list than if given a direct order. So, as a Dom, you have to know exactly which way YOU prefer and then find someone who responds to that particular type of control. Essentially what I’m saying is that you do not need to go out and “learn” the “right” way to be Dominant, so your use of these paid subs should probably be just for fun and release, rather than taken as a lesson.
Finally, about your confidence/assertiveness concerns. I think you are right that these qualities can only come with experience. Because of the above, I’m not sure if experience with paid subs is exactly the right way to go. Rather I would try to find a local BDSM or Kink club in your area (they are all over)! and go to their munches. These typically happen once a month, and are just informal get togethers for people to connect and meet. They are usually wonderful resources, and many times can lead to real life experiences with people who understand and are sympathetic to what you are trying to achieve and learn. The key is to be open, and while I don’t give guarantees, I think these groups would be a better way to start. I hope this was helpful!
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