I have been meaning to write something like this on my site and you have given me an idea. Cheers….

Reactions to date have been extremely mixed; my girlfriend’s family has accepted me with only slight resentment at my “interloper” status, whereas my family has completely disowned me. Our friends are more curious than anything, with the most common reaction being, “Wow, I guess if that works for you, great, but I could never cheat like that.” When we explain that there’s no cheating involved, and that all three of us are completely open and honest about our relationship, including any desire to date outside our triad — a daunting task indeed when you’re trying to raise four children!

I will grant that, because of our location in a medium-large Midwestern city, we have a somewhat skewed sample set of colleagues and friends. But I doubt that even in the largest cities such an unusual domestic situation would be accepted without question.

On further reflection, though, maybe universal monogamy is dying as a normative value. The very fact that our situation can exist publicly, even to as limited an extent as ours, must say something about the monogamous, heteronormative paradigm being at least relaxed, if not shifted entirely.

Monogamy is not even limited to humans. There are many examples of monogamy in other animals. Swans are a well known monogamous creature and that trait has lent them the romantic association. Elephants are also monogamous to the point that when the mate dies they have been known to stop eating and drinking, choosing to perish rather than go on without the mate that has been lost.

There will always be a percentage of the population who will cheat. The reasons are individual rather than societal. The seven year itch and mid-life crisis are not just cliches. They give a more palatable heading to something that has been going on for ages. AIDS and other STDs (nor even the campaigns to try to limit their spread) have not eliminated the percentage of the population who are not able to maintain a monogamous relationship.

Gender roles and expectations play a large part in how likely a person is to monogamous at a given point in his or her life. Men base their virility on their conquests starting at a young age. This is before mental maturity has been achieved. Women are taught that “good girls” limit the number of partners she should have. This can result in the feeling of missing out on something or simply settling for the wrong partner. From both sides there is a psychological setup than can encourage cheating.

What about long range? How many people are not monogamous later in life? Is the attitude that you are limiting yourself if you are monogamous not the outlook of someone who still has some maturing to do?

The accepted figure is that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. One way to look at that is to concentrate on those that failed. However, given that divorce has only truly been socially acceptable for the past 30 years, all of the setups for failure, and all of the opportunities that are being opened up to allow for cheating; isn’t it more impressive (and a good indicator that monogamy is alive and well) that 50% of marriages survive?

Thankfully society has become more accepting of gays and lesbians. It allows for optimism to see more states recognizing their marriages. The fight for their right to marry actually backs up my belief that monogamy is still quite healthy. Of the gays and lesbians that I know, all but two are in monogamous relationships. The two that are not, are looking for the person to be in one with. Society has not become more accepting of those who cheat however. One just needs to look at reactions to public figures who have been caught. People who have been caught cheating are vilified more than those who are found to have an addiction.

Monogamy provides security, a bond that strengthens, and support. Rather than a boring existence, it allows for two people to know each other on a deeper level and as a result open up more possibilities. As long as monogamy provides the positives, it will be alive and kicking for those who are ready to handle it.