In a relationship? Check. Have sex often? Eh..semi-check. Is the sex amazing? Hmm…no check.
A lot of couples feel your pain, especially for those of us in relationships over 2 – 4 years in length or longer. This has a lot to do with your bodies and the hormones within them. The first moments of attraction are fueled by testosterone and estrogen. Adrenalin kicks in as a relationship progresses, which causes new couples to feel excited upon seeing each other.
Dopamine is also released by new couples, which is also known as the excitement drug because it causes a rush of pleasure when you are around your mate. (That was you during the honeymoon phase way back when you couldn’t wait to get home and have insane monkey sex anywhere you happened to find yourself in the house)
Once a couple has established themselves, oxytocin, which is also called the cuddle hormone, is released. This hormone bonds couples together the same way it bonds a mother to her newborn. Bonds, yes, but excites? Traditionally most men thrive on the new sensations and “conquests” to be had with new partners. But most women (and more to the point, their orgasms) thrive on this new arena you now find yourselves in.
Most couples reach this point by the fourth year. Some couples sooner and others a little later. But if you remain with that one person long enough, it WILL eventually happen. (It’s unavoidable and inevitable) Does this mean you’re doomed to repetitive and unappealing sex? Not so. Believe it or not, this is her zone for the best sex she’s going to have.
As Emily Nagoski writes in the “Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms,” “A woman is less likely to have orgasms early in a relationship. Her body needs time to adapt to the new partner, to learn to trust him or her, and to relax into the knowledge that her partner accepts and appreciates her body.”
Predictability has a large part to play in her orgasm.
What does that mean for the other partner?
You now have to retrain yourself for what turns you on to match this. If you’re like me you enjoy your sex most when you’re really pleasing your partner. So although the sex may be, for the most part, repetitive it’s not the end of the world. Here’s why.
Any time you introduce newness or novelty into your sex life, you are tasking the pre-frontal cortex with learning and adapting, which means you’re thinking about what you’re doing and making it harder to cross the voluntary/involuntary threshold. For some people this leads to an issue known as “spectatoring.”
“Spectatoring is the art of worrying about sex while you’re having it,” writes Nagoski. “Rather than paying attention to the pleasant things your body is experiencing, it’s like you’re floating above the bed watching, noticing how her/your breasts fall or the squish of cottage cheese on the back of your thigh or the roll at your belly…. You’re worried about the sex you’re having, instead of enjoying the sex you’re having.”
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Fun S.S. Reading Elsewhere: